| Maybe more of an update. |
[Dec. 27th, 2009|02:23 am] |
Going through this, it's hard to believe that I'm 24. It's hard to believe I'm 24, and I don't feel like I've grown at all since I was 14. I feel young at heart, and I can't imagine myself being a "grown up."
I have grown, I know that, I'm jaded and have a tinge of cynicism - thats for damn sure. If it's even possible, I'm even more set in my ways.
A lot has happened in the last 10 years, some documented on here, others not. I think I want to be better about documenting the little changes in my life. There are a lot of people I wish I was still close with, but life changes have caused us to fade apart. I'll forever be a nostalgic person, and I feel spread thin as far as friends goes as it is - but it saddens me that some people aren't as big apart of my life as they once were.
I've been more social lately, it helps that I'm meeting people I enjoy being around. This city isn't as inspiring as lots of people say it is, it mainly inspires me to be reckless. I feel like I have a lot of recklessness to get out of the way, but am not in the position to do so.
I'm still endlessly broke, I'm in the preliminary stages of donating my eggs - which will give me a nice hefty check for $8,000, and possibly a little mini angie roaming the streets.
I work at a restaurant in Soho that absolutely has its flaws but overall I enjoy it. I'm friends with my coworkers, I have interesting nights, and its pretty laid back as long as I'm not working with the one manager thats a major dipshit.
I may have failed a class this semester, and even still I did pretty terribly. It was tough. I chose this major to stimulate my craving to learn, and I bit of more than I can chew (but I have every intention of sticking it through unless I get kicked out for terrible grades). This semester caused me to feel like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown for 2 months straight.
The distaste I developed for writing has managed to take over and provide (what I'm assuming to be) fairly incoherent sentences with poor grammar, so bare with me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2009|03:02 pm] |
in the process of disassembling every construct i can in my mind/life. seeing what makes up what. what has value, what is meaningless? or rather, since i alone decide what has value and what doesn't since nothing is inherently meaningful and meaning is up to me to assign, i am deciding what value i wish to assign to the many pieces of my mind/life/heart. what truth is objective and stands apart from the vastness of truth that is subjective?
people have been telling me constantly that they envy me, especially women i encounter in the familiar (and always odd and usually ingenuine) temporary relationship that occurs within the context of stores/offices. i tell them about my life right now and they get a dreamy look on their face. i hear a lot, "do it while you're young, before you have kids and get married!" i also hear a lot, "i wouldn't change my life now, but i'm envious!" and the occasional, "i have always wanted to do something like that..." my family most likely thinks i'm a little irresponsible and impractical and strange, and they're probably not far off, but i just wonder -- do that many people really not follow their daydreams? if not, what do all these people construct their lives from? that is the only way i know how to live. my daydreams get more and more vivid until they become reality. it seems like an idea has to sit for a little while before picking up momentum, and certainly not all of them have been followed through on, but sooner or later, the pull is too strong to ignore... what goes on in other people's minds that they don't live like that? my uncle asked me yesterday why i was moving to new mexico and the best way i could give a brief answer was, "well, i had a dream about it." maybe i am a ridiculously impractical person, incapable of ever constructing anything of lasting substance in my life... and i want to tell them, "don't be too envious; i'm knowingly becoming an abusive amphetamine user as we speak and i'm incapable of having more than one responsibility at a time without running away and because i am so idealistic i will be in debt until i die and i've lost God for what is actually the first time although at first glance i thought it was the second time and every experience i've had that has made me feel as if something of value is happening in my life has been just a construction of my mind and happiness is not real and sadness is not real and the only thing that I can believe at this point to be real is a huge apathetic void."
anyway, tomorrow i'm flying back to the northwest and visiting my friends and lover for a few weeks before packing up my little car yet again and moving to Albuquerque, NM. i may or may not have a place to live by the time i get there. i have never been there before and I don't know anyone there and I have never been to the SW before and I have no idea if my expectations will be what it is really like, but here is a little of what i anticipate:
in the desert, i will breathe ragged bones
my skin will flake smoke, my blood will course thin
my heart will seek mesas, those stubborn kin
the moon will quench the scattered below,
liquid silver awash on stretches no life should go
in the morning, the stubborn mesas will sing
"it wandered too far, too far for some living thing
and now it is white bone, red dust, parched breath."
in the desert, i will breathe ragged bones
and my dreams will be thick with strange, dry death
so much nothingness, so much dirt and rock and dust, so much desolation...and in the middle of that nothingness will be a chaotic city, a swirling mess of humanity. and i will slink along in the background, observing it all unfold before me with curious apathy... everything will be new, everything will be a mystery, everything will be waiting to be explored. and i'll go on desert adventures and find tons of cool rocks and maybe some gems or fossils!
so, right. a lot of stuff is about to happen; life is about to pick up some speed. so, so, so ready! air drumming to 13 songs and packing.
reading list:
the brothers karamazov
nausea
the myth of sisyphus
the fall
the long loneliness
black elk speaks
slaughterhouse five |
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| its been a decade |
[Dec. 25th, 2009|11:32 pm] |
I've had this for 10 YEARS! 10 FREAKING YEARS! I really want to go through my old entries but it may make me too nostalgic.
merry christmas.
Jist of my life: I love living in new york, school is kicking my ass, i'm stressed with an tone of happiness but I miss dc and the friends I've maintained from there (so, like, 2 people)
I want to have a real update, but I have grown to hate writing. I will, I get bursts of inspiration but am never by a computer. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2009|07:52 am] |
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i have a question about whether or not it's going to turn out alright. breezy and i stayed up too late and had too much alcohol and too much tobacco and she read a story she wrote that made me cry, and we ate at mcdonalds then hardees and i kissed her on the cheek goodbye and ate more hardees before driving home. i dont know where anyone is. tonight turned out completely different than i had planned but so much better or different than i had expected. i am the king. i smell terrible and feel nauseous from all the hardees. emily abbott and emily martin and i ate bojangles yesterday morning, and the two of them got a lot more food than i did, so emily abbott asked "that's all you got?" and i told her that i had a bunch of bowls of cereal waiting for me to eat them when i got home. i didn't go into the details of poor-ish living, i assumed it was implied. the meal only cost three dollars. i spent a total of thirty-six dollars today, all on food, not all for me, none nutritious. i stood on the front stoop of the house i used to live at tonight and coy continuously complimented my beard and my earring and shoes (which were his). i went inside and danny said i was looking "so stylish". i bought jack finn-thegen crowley an eight dollar train ticket back to durham and he paid me back with three dollars and a diamond earring and i pierced it into my ear an hour later. he tried to give me the other five dollars a couple of days ago and i said he already got me back for it and dropped the folded bill back onto the couch like it was a piece of scrap paper, and when i came back he had put it back into his wallet. we spent the next half hour talking feverishly about art and community, then walked to jazz and it was a spooky magical night. i was at a party at the house i used to live at tonight and i danced very intimately in the basement with a total of four chicks and two dudes, all of whom i was prior friends with. i had a couple buried memories of portland: sitting in my car somewhere around sandy and broadway (i dont remember where anything is anymore) and In The Flowers off of Merriweather comes on and i am too overwhelmed to drive. buying produce with madeleine the one and only time at the market, also on sandy, i think. just a little way up, but a week or two removed. driving back from movie madness and madeleine says "ooh, dinner!" and pats me on the shoulder excitedly, and i think about it being ok to stay the rest of my life. noontime on the north park blocks; cross-country phone conversations with clare and some guy asks to use my phone while im on it and i say "uh, no, i'm busy" and he gives me a dirty look which i deserve because it was such an inappropriate way to respond. still feeling like time was revving its engine right in my ear every day of the week, which was aftershocks from the sea. this semester's over and a big snowstorm is coming and the first decade in this millennium is almost finished, so naturally i was feeling a bit odd today. i cleaned my room and i didn't feel better. i played all the songs i know on piano and i didn't feel better. i got on the internet and i didn't feel better. i made a steak and some yellow rice and a couple glasses of water and started to feel better. i wish all energies i expend could go to things besides feeding myself, traveling places, moving altogether even , contemplating or worrying; i wish they would all just go towards creation. hello, future self, this entry is important, please don't delete it |
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